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Picture this: you’re dating someone new, and, not for nothing, you’re excited about them. They do things like chat to you all the time, texting and checking in with how your day is going. They take you on thoughtfully planned dates, talk about introducing you to their friends, kiss your forehead after sex, and cuddle you all night — in short, they’re waving lots of green flags and you think there’s a real future here.
But then you blink and suddenly, even though this person put so much of their time and emotional energy into signposting at every turn that they were serious about you, and never once saying they just wanted to keep things casual, they drop you without so much as an “it’s not you, it’s me.”
This is what I’ve dubbed the Relationship Experience. I’ve seen it play out time and time again, and it’s liable to make even the most sure-footed singleton stumble.
With a name borrowed from the niche of sex work commonly referred to as ‘the Girlfriend Experience,’ a Relationship Experience is about enjoying the perks of having a partner for a little while without any actual commitment.
In a way, it’s a tale as old as time. How many times have you, dear reader, felt like you’ve been led down the garden path by someone who was giving off all the signs of wanting something serious with you, only to be unceremoniously ditched without any explanation?
Not quite a situationship, not quite love bombing
A situationship, for instance, is an umbrella term that can define all manner of casual dating scenarios like this one, but not all of them have to be bad. Meanwhile, ghosting can be at play in how they end things with you, but there are plenty of other insensitive ways someone can call time on a Relationship Experience.
As for love bombing, that behaviour is done with seriously nefarious intent, often by narcissists. It’s a means of controlling you later down the line. By drowning you in how good their overabundance of ‘love’ feels early on, their affection becomes the carrot they dangle to get you to do what they want, while their emotional distance and/or cruelty become the stick.
Yes, it’s possible to date a person with the best of long-term intentions only to change your mind about wanting to commit to them. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes, and it’s nobody’s fault.
But the crux of the Relationship Experience is that one party may very well never have intended to commit in the first place. Meanwhile, all the green flags a Relationship Experience-seeker waves can trip up even the most seasoned singleton. This is what makes it so nefarious.
And when they take their leave of you, they do so noncommittal-y rather than sensitively ending things.
Hurt people hurting people
But all this still raises the question: why do they put so much time and energy into romancing you, even though they have zero plans to take the ‘relationship’ further?
Dr. Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert and psychology professor, thinks the answer is simple. “An unspoken rule has been observed by evolutionary psychologists around the world; the easiest way to obtain a short-term relationship is by pretending to want a long-term relationship.”
“An unspoken rule has been observed by evolutionary psychologists around the world; the easiest way to obtain a short-term relationship is by pretending to want a long-term relationship.”
However, psychotherapist Dr. Gisele Caseiras, of Likeminds psychotherapy, wonders if the whole thing isn’t more to do with fear and self-sabotage. She explains that the seeker of a Relationship Experience may well be conflicted about having a genuinely close and committed relationship. “While they seem to desire intimacy, crave connection, and pursue it intensely,” she adds, “their underlying fear of intimacy leads them to sabotage the relationship.”
And why not be upfront about their feelings? Again, the answer may stem from fear — of rejection and of intimacy — combined with a desire to protect themselves.
Caseiras says: “They may worry that opening up will make them seem unattractive or uninteresting. To avoid feeling rejected, they might show a lot of affection early on, fostering a sense of dependency in their partners.”
“This strategy enables them to end the relationship on their terms before facing rejection, often leaving their partner confused and overwhelmed. By not explicitly stating their intentions, individuals might try to avoid becoming emotionally involved and maintain a sense of power.”
Thus they can more easily leave the whole situation in the dust if they feel like things are getting “too intense” on either side.
Even if they’re actively seeking out a connection, they could still fear that intimacy deep down. “By keeping things ambiguous,” Caseiras adds, “they can avoid getting too close and risking the emotional pain that inevitably comes with rejection or vulnerability.”
This fear can stem from previous love life traumas the Relationship Experience-seeker went through. “Sometimes,” Dr. Caseiras says, “people can reenact past experiences, repeating unconscious patterns of behaviour.”
“As painful as heartbreak can be, it often teaches us a lot about ourselves.”
Ultimately, if you’ve been hurt by someone who was only looking for the Relationship Experience, it’s largely not your business to fully understand why. Or, heaven forbid, try to fix them. Instead, it’s a lot wiser to focus on yourself.
Walsh, whose PhD is in clinical psychology and who works closely with DatingAdvice, suggests: “Use the experience as research on human behavior. Learn from it without beating yourself up for not seeing the red flags.”
Caseiras agrees, suggesting you reflect, process, and note what you’ve learned from the whole thing.
“It would be natural to feel rejected but also confused, angry, and frustrated at being misled,” she says. “Allow yourself time to reflect on those painful feelings. Explore your experience with a trusted friend — we often make better sense of experiences when we begin to think and put them into a context that others might understand. Those important conversations might help you not only to process your feelings but also lead you to some ‘aha’ moments.”
You might also want to think about what exactly drew you to this Relationship Experience-seeker in the first place. “As painful as heartbreak can be,” Caseiras says, “it often teaches us a lot about ourselves and what we are looking for in a relationship. Be curious about what kind of partner you are attracted to and whether that pattern is healthy for you. Keep that in mind when you feel ready to start dating again.”
As for new red flags to take away, you should watch out for things like a lack of truly deep conversations and a focus on physical attraction.
As Caseiras explains: “While chemistry and physical attraction are important, if the focus of the relationship seems solely on physical intimacy without any deeper connection, it could be a warning sign. You can tell if the person is interested in you by noticing if they are curious about you, your hobbies, and your interests. They might want to know about your views of the world and your goals. If the conversation is superficial and lacks depth, it could be a sign that the person is not interested in getting to know you on a deeper level.”
Emotional intensity early doors is another thing to be wary of, because, as the good doctor Caseiras says: “While feeling passionate is good, showing strong emotions and declaring love too soon can be a warning sign. If someone makes big gestures, wants constant contact, or makes big promises early on, it can leave you feeling vulnerable and dependent.”
And remember, cliché though it may be, actions speak louder than words. If someone consistently backs up what they say by making an effort to spend quality time with you and is there for you emotionally as well as physically, those are pretty big green flags.
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