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OK, real talk. Is it a red flag if someone tries to start sexting really soon after you start talking? This writer did a Twitter poll of 96 people asking this question, with results finding that 67.4 percent of people answered “Yes” and 32.6 said “No.” While this is a small sample size, it does indicate this is worth examining.
This question may prove especially complicated for women, femmes, and AFAB people who consider themselves to be sex positive. The moral quandary being: If I’m sex positive, does that mean I need to be willing to be open about all things sex, all the time? There can be a certain pressure to be super “open” at the expense of your boundaries.
While this question of “sex talk/red flag” on dating apps can certainly apply to anyone, of any gender – it appears to be most common when we’re talking about interactions between cis-men and women/femmes/AFAB folx. At least, anecdotally. With the ubiquity of gay hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff, the MLM (men who love men) community seem to follow different guidelines – ones where sex and hookups are often the center of the most interactions on the apps. While this certainly deserves interrogating, that is an article for another day.
For the purposes of this article we’re going to examine this question within a specific context: You (an AFAB person) are looking for a real relationship and the person you’ve connected with on an app seems great, but they want to start talking dirty right away.
What should you do? Let’s investigate.
Is it a red flag if someone wants to sext right away on a dating app?
This is, of course, a tricky question because it’s entirely based on your comfort levels and what you’ve said you’re looking for in your app profile and/or to this person directly.
Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells us that if you’re looking to specifically DATE and someone comes right out of the gate wanting to sext, that you should be cautious. This kind of blunt approach can often mean that the other person is looking for something more sex-focused and casual, which may not be in-line with what you’re looking for. “Unless you’ve said you’re specifically looking for a hookup and sex, and that you want to sext, and maybe if you feel the vibe is right, then go ahead,” she says. Of course, this isn’t always true – but it’s certainly worth considering when it’s already hard enough out here as it is.
“Please listen to this discomfort, it is a very important messenger that your value system is being breached.”
Ask yourself: Am I comfortable doing this? Does it excite me to consider doing this? Or is this something I may be considering because I don’t want to seem like I’m a prude, rather than coming from a place of authenticity? “Please listen to this discomfort, it is a very important messenger that your value system is being breached,” Rowett says.
You’re not a prude for having boundaries (even if you have sex positive values).
Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist, points out that we live within a very confusing social context that calls us “prudes” for not being down to get sexual on the one hand, while slut shaming us for being “too open” on the other. The markers for what is acceptable are always moving, making finding solid footing in our own understanding of our sexualities really difficult.
The idea that you should always be down to talk about sex is problematic because while you may be entirely sex positive, and of the belief that sexuality is an important part of the human experience – one that should be talked about freely and without shame — this doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to engage with sexual content or conversations in a way that feels safe and authentic to you. Being sex positive does not equal having no boundaries around sex and sexual conversations. Ty David Lerman, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, says that the more telling thing is how a person responds to you when you tell them you’re not quite ready for that kind of conversation yet. “If they validate and respect your wishes and continue on, then there is no flag here. Quite the opposite actually — they’re hearing and validating your wishes, and actually meeting your needs — they’re a keeper.”
“If they validate and respect your wishes and continue on, then there is no flag here. Quite the opposite actually.”
We live in a world that doesn’t value sexuality as something to be understood and investigated. We’re not given the tools we need to openly have conversations about sex. This, combined with male privilege, might be why a cis guy who comes across a sex positive woman on a dating app might suddenly think that going right into sexting is appropriate. He lacks the basic knowledge and language to understand that sex positive ≠ up for anything, anytime.
Ghose tells us that being sex positive actually revolves around consent. “Being sex positive means having an open mind and accepting others where they are at, at any given moment,” she says. “Being sex positive means we don’t shame people for their questions, proclivities, desires, curiosities.” Or their boundaries, as it were.
How to set your boundaries.
OK, so you’re vibing with someone cool and they suggest sexting right away. How can you set your boundaries, if this is feeling like too much, too soon?
We asked the experts for some scripts to get you started.
Lerman suggests: I’m really flattered that you’re into me and it’s actually mutual, however, I feel uncomfortable and pressured chatting about sex this soon, and it would help me if we kick that down the road for a later conversation.
Ghose suggests: Hey, I like you and I’d love to get to know you first and I may be more open to sexting in the future.
Rowett suggests: So, I’m not comfortable with talking about sex/sexting right now as I don’t know you yet/I don’t know you well enough yet.
All of our experts agree, if you get pushed back on setting clear boundaries, the person gets defensive, or they try to convince you to change your mind – disengage. The block button is your best friend. Sometimes the biggest red flag of all is seeing how someone responds to your boundary.
If you’re OK with talking about sex, but want to make sure that isn’t ‘all this is.’
It’s also totally possible that you’re down to sext, but want to be sure that this isn’t a gateway to keeping things permanently casual. We may worry that by engaging in sexually explicit conversation too soon, we might spoil our chances at cultivating something more long-lasting. This comes out of long-held social scripts that indicate that men are the “pursuers” of sex and women are the “givers” of sex.
You can step out of these scripts and into sexual autonomy by owning your power and being crystal clear about your concerns. You can straight-up say: I’m open to sexting, but this is a way for me to get to know someone better, with the knowledge that we’re both looking for something more serious. “You will still have to weed through people who are dishonest, but speaking about this from the beginning will set the stage and expectation that we’re gonna talk about these things, however long that relationship lasts,” Lerman adds.
Lastly, remember that there is no right way to practice sex positivity and there is no “right amount of time” to wait before sexting someone. What’s important is that you’re engaging in a way that feels safe for you, and free from pressure. Only you get to make those choices. Don’t let anyone try to make you feel badly for being true to yourself – and if they do, ditch them.
This article was first published in 2023 and republished in 2024.
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Is it a red flag if an online dating match wants to sext straight away? How do I set a boundary with someone on a dating app who wants to talk about sex too soon?
